Executive Function Coaching: You Care, AND You Struggle. Both Truths Matter.
- Shyla Mathews
- Jan 21
- 6 min read
Updated: Jan 22
We've been taught to think in either/or terms.
Either you care about your work, or you forget to turn it in. Either you're capable, or you struggle. Either you tried, or you failed.
This either/or thinking doesn't just show up in conversations; it becomes how we see ourselves. When you forget to turn in work you spent hours completing, the either/or logic tells you: "If I really cared, I would have remembered."
That single thought breeds shame. It feeds low self-esteem. It fuels harsh self-criticism and relentless negative self-talk.
"I'm lazy.""I'm irresponsible.""I don't care enough.""Something is wrong with me."
This is where executive function coaching makes a profound difference.
This is Part 1 of our 3-part series on Executive Function Coaching. In this post, we'll explore how either/or thinking can damage self-esteem. In Part 2, we'll show you how Executive Function Coaching reframes this thinking. In Part 3, you'll get practical strategies you can use immediately.
The Scenario Every Parent and Teacher Knows
Consider this situation I encounter regularly in Executive Function Coaching:
"I did my homework." —True.
"I didn't have a system in place to remember to put it in my bag." —True.
"I cared about doing my homework." —True.
In either/or thinking, these statements create an impossible contradiction.
The logic goes: "If you REALLY cared, you WOULD have remembered."
This logic forces a false choice. It makes caring and forgetting mutually exclusive; one cancels out the other.
The result? Shame. Self-criticism. The belief that something is fundamentally wrong with you.
How Either/Or Thinking Affects Self-Esteem
Either/or thinking collapses complex executive function challenges into a single judgment about character:
Either/Or Thinking Says:
"If you cared, you would remember."
"If you were capable, you would succeed."
"If you tried hard enough, it would work.
When you inevitably struggle because of executive function challenges and neurological differences, this logic leads to one devastating conclusion:
"I must not care enough."
"I must not be trying hard enough.
"Something is wrong with me."
Either/or thinking breeds:
Low self-esteem - You internalise that you're not good enough, not trying hard enough, fundamentally flawed.
Self-criticism - Every forgotten item, missed deadline, or incomplete task becomes evidence of your failure.
Negative self-talk - "I'm lazy," "I'm irresponsible," "I'm a failure," "I can't do anything right."
For children and adults in Singapore's schools and workplaces, years of this thinking create deep wounds, often more damaging than the executive function challenges themselves.
The Hidden Cost for Children
When children hear "if you cared, you'd remember" repeatedly, they don't just struggle academically; they internalise:
"I must not be a good person if I keep forgetting."
"I should be able to do this—what's wrong with me?"
"I'm lazy. I'm a failure. I'm irresponsible."
I see this pattern constantly in my work as an Executive Function Coach in Singapore. A bright 10-year-old who can discuss complex topics with depth and insight will tell me, with complete conviction: "I'm stupid because I always forget my PE kit."
The either/or logic has taught them that forgetting = not caring = being a bad person.
Their self-esteem crumbles. Their negative self-talk becomes relentless. The shame compounds with every forgotten item.
The Hidden Cost for Adults
This becomes even more painful when we look at adults, particularly those with late ADHD or autism diagnoses.
Adult scenarios reveal the same damaging pattern:
"I care deeply about my career, AND I missed the critical deadline."
Either/or thinking says, "If I really cared, I wouldn't have missed it. Therefore, I must not care. Therefore, I'm failing at my career. Therefore, something is fundamentally wrong with me."
Or in relationships:
"I love my partner, AND I forgot our anniversary."
Either/or thinking says: "If I really loved them, I would have remembered. Therefore, I must not love them enough. Therefore, I'm a bad partner."
Adults carry years, sometimes decades, of internalised either/or messages that have become harsh, unrelenting negative self-talk.
"If I really cared, I wouldn't forget/be late / leave things messy / miss deadlines."
The toll is immense:
Decades of damaged self-esteem
Exhausting compensation that masks the struggle while depleting all energy
Late diagnosis brings relief, mixed with grief, for years of unnecessary self-blame
High stakes when executive function challenges impact jobs, relationships, and self-worth
Why This Matters?
Here's what either/or thinking gets wrong:
It assumes caring automatically generates the Executive Function Skills you need.
It doesn't.
You can care deeply about your work AND have a weak memory for future tasks.
You can be highly competent AND struggle with specific executive function skills.
You can try extremely hard AND lack the systems needed for consistent success.
Research consistently shows that Executive Functions aren't a single ability; they are a collection of related yet separate skills (Miyake et al., 2000)1. Being strong in one area doesn't predict strength in another.
Executive Function Coaching helps reframe this entire pattern.
Instead of either/or thinking that breeds shame, we recognise that multiple truths can be true at the same time.
You can Care AND Forget.
You can Try AND Struggle.
You can be Capable AND Need Support.
When we make this shift, we stop making it about character. Instead, we look at what specific Executive Function skills might be missing beneath the behaviour.
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What Happens When We Reframe
Through Executive Function Coaching, I help people move from either/or thinking to understanding that both can be true.
The Old Pattern (Either/Or):
"I forgot my homework → I must not care → I'm lazy/irresponsible/a failure."
(Creates: shame, low self-esteem, self-criticism, negative self-talk)
The Reframe (Both Can Be True): "I cared about my homework, AND I forgot it → Which executive function skill needs support?"
(Creates: understanding, targeted intervention, maintained self-esteem)
In my work as an Executive Function Coach in Singapore's international and local school communities, I see this reframe transform not just academic performance, but also how neurodivergent learners see themselves.
The negative self-talk lessens. The self-criticism softens. Self-esteem begins to rebuild.
Why? Because the person finally has evidence that they're not broken, they just needed different systems.
Moving Beyond Either/Or
If you, your child, or your student has been carrying the weight of either/or, thinking by internalising the message that forgetting means not caring, that struggling means not trying, I want you to know:
You're not lazy.
You're not irresponsible.
You're not failing.
You might be caring deeply while also having Executive Function Challenges that need specific support. Both can be true.
In Part 2 of this series, I'll show you exactly how executive function coaching reframes either/or thinking and helps identify which specific executive function skills need support. You'll learn why multiple truths can coexist and what changes when you understand this.
Reflection Questions
Before you continue to Part 2, consider:
For yourself:
Where has either/or thinking damaged your self-esteem?
What negative self-talk stems from "if I cared, I would..."?
What would change if you believed caring AND struggling can both be true?
For the neurodivergent people in your life:
Where might either/or thinking be fueling their negative self-talk?
Have you heard them say that struggling means not caring?
What would shift if they understood both can be true?
Continue Reading: Part 2: How Executive Function Coaching Reframes Either/Or Thinking →Learn how Executive Function Coaching helps identify specific skills beneath the behaviour—and why this reframe heals psychological wounds.
About This Series
This is Part 1 of a 3-part series on Executive Function Coaching:
About the Author
Shyla Mathews is an Executive Function Coach and Educational Therapist, and the founder of NICE Executive Function Coaching & Educational Therapy. She works with children, adolescents, parents, and adults, including individuals diagnosed with ADHD, Dyslexia, Autism, and other learning challenges, offering structured support that strengthens learning, independence, and daily functioning across home, school, and work.
Through Executive Function Coaching, Shyla supports the skills beneath behaviour, learning, and follow-through, including task initiation, planning, organisation, time management, working memory, sustained attention, emotional regulation, and self-advocacy. Her coaching helps individuals reduce overwhelm, build clarity, and develop practical systems that match real-life demands, so progress becomes achievable and sustainable over time.
As an Educational Therapist, Shyla provides targeted, individualised intervention for learners who experience difficulties with literacy, including reading, writing, comprehension, and language-based learning needs. Her work focuses on strengthening foundational skills while also building confidence, strategy use, and independence through explicit teaching, supportive scaffolding, and clear structure.
Shyla's work is driven by the belief that connection and collaboration are tools that can support everyone. She brings warmth, authenticity, and a deep commitment to every session, believing that when there is compassion and acceptance, people feel safer, more motivated, and more able to make meaningful shifts toward their goals.
References
Miyake, A., Friedman, N. P., Emerson, M. J., Witzki, A. H., Howerter, A., & Wager, T. D. (2000). The unity and diversity of executive functions and their contributions to complex "frontal lobe" tasks: A latent variable analysis. Cognitive Psychology, 41(1), 49-100. https://doi.org/10.1006/cogp.1999.0734 ↩
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