How Executive Function Coaching Reframes Either/Or Thinking.

In Part 1 of this series, we explored how either/or thinking breeds shame, low self-esteem, and relentless negative self-talk. We saw how the logic "if you cared, you would remember" creates devastating psychological wounds for children and adults.

Now, let's explore one solution: How Executive Function Coaching can reframe this entire pattern.

Through Executive Function Coaching, I help people move from either/or thinking, which damages self-esteem, to understanding that multiple truths can be true at the same time.

You can care deeply about your work AND forget to turn it in. You can try your absolute hardest AND produce inconsistent results. You can be competent AND struggle with specific tasks.

When we reframe "either/or" to "both can be true," we stop making it about character.

Instead, we look at what Executive Function Skills might be missing beneath the behaviour.

The Fundamental Shift Executive Function Coaching Provides

Either/Or thinking asks:

"Why don't you care enough to remember?"

(Creates: shame, self-criticism, negative self-talk)

Executive Function Coaching asks:

"You care, AND you forgot—which specific skill needs support? What system would help bridge this gap?"

(Creates: understanding, targeted intervention, self-compassion)

This shift is the foundation of Executive Function Coaching. We are not questioning character; we are identifying which specific cognitive skills need support.

• If you cared AND you forgot, we're looking at Working Memory.

• If you tried AND couldn't start, we're looking at Task Initiation.

• If you planned AND lost track of time, we're looking at Time Perception and Management.

  
  

The reframe removes shame from the equation entirely.

Understanding Executive Function: Multiple Skills, Not One

Here's what makes this reframe possible: Executive Functions aren't a single ability.

Research consistently shows that executive functions are a collection of related yet separate cognitive skills (Miyake et al., 2000)¹. Being strong in one area doesn't predict strength in another.

In Executive Function Coaching, we recognise that different skills operate independently.

A student—or adult—can have:

1. Strong persistence (caring deeply about success)while also having

2. Good Task Initiation (starting work, completing it)while also having

3. Weak Prospective Memory (remembering future actions like putting homework in the bag or missing a work deadline)

   
   

These executive function skills include(not limited to):

• Task Initiation - Starting activities without procrastination

• Sustained attention - Maintaining focus despite distractions

• Working Memory - Holding information in mind while using it

• Prospective Memory - Remembering to do something in the future

• Planning/Prioritisation - Creating roadmaps to reach goals

• Organisation - Ordering and arranging materials and information

• Time management - Estimating and allocating time effectively

• Flexibility - Adapting to changed plans or demands

• Emotional regulation - Managing feelings to achieve goals

• Response Inhibition - Managing impulses, lack of self-control

• Self-monitoring - Tracking one's own performance

  
  

Research confirms that executive functions show both unity (they work together) and diversity (they operate independently) across development (Diamond, 2013)².

This is why a child can:

• Remember intricate video game strategies (strong working memory when highly interested)

  while

• Forgetting their water bottle every single day (weak prospective memory for routine tasks)

  while

• Genuinely caring about both staying hydrated and playing well (motivation present in both contexts)

  
  

None of these truths cancel each other out. They're all valid at the same time.

What This Means for the Homework Scenario

Let's return to the homework scenario from Part 1, now with this understanding:

"I did my homework." —True. (Task initiation ✓ Sustained attention ✓)

"I didn't have a system in place to remember to put it in my bag." —True. (Prospective memory ✗ Planning/organisation ✗)

"I cared about doing my homework." —True. (Motivation ✓ Goal-directed persistence ✓)

These aren't contradictory truths. They're different executive function skills operating independently:

• Task initiation and sustained attention allowed the work to get done

• A system didn't support prospective memory and planning

• Motivation and persistence were present throughout

When we understand this, the question shifts entirely:

Not: "Why don't you care enough?"

But: "Your task initiation is strong, AND your prospective memory needs support. Let's build a system for that specific skill."

This is executive function coaching in action.

How This Reframe Heals

When children and adults shift from either/or to this understanding, something profound happens beyond just improved organisation or time management.

The negative self-talk changes:

Before: "I'm lazy because I forgot my homework again."

After: "I have strong task completion skills, AND I need a prospective memory system."

Before: "I'm a failure because I can't keep my house organised."

After: "I'm highly competent in many areas, AND I struggle with organisational planning—which is a specific, separate skill."

Before: "Something is wrong with me because I missed another deadline."

After: "I care deeply about my work, AND I experience time blindness—which needs specific support systems."

The self-criticism softens because you're no longer making global judgments about your character. You're making specific observations about which executive function skills need support. This is how executive function coaching rebuilds self-esteem.

The Adult Experience: When This Reframe Brings Relief

This reframe becomes especially powerful and healing for adults with late ADHD or autism diagnoses.

Many adults I work with in Singapore have spent decades internalising either/or messages:

"If I really cared about my career, I wouldn't miss deadlines.""If I were a good partner, I would remember anniversaries.""If I were a responsible adult, I would keep my space organised."

Research on ADHD in adults confirms that executive function difficulties persist across the lifespan, significantly impacting daily life despite high intelligence or professional capability (Barkley & Fischer, 2011)³.

When these adults finally understand that:

• Caring AND struggling can both be true

• Being highly capable AND needing specific support can both be true

• Trying extremely hard AND lacking specific Executive Function Skills can both be true

  
  

The relief is palpable. Often, there are tears.

For the first time, they have permission to stop the self-blame.

One client told me, "For 30 years, I thought I was broken. Now I understand I have weak prospective memory and time blindness, which are specific things I can get support for. I'm not fundamentally flawed."

This is the power of reframing either/or thinking through Executive Function Coaching.

From Character Judgment to Skill Building

When we shift from either/or thinking, everything about intervention changes:

Either/Or Approach:

• Focus: Character ("Why don't you care?")

• Response: "Try harder."

• Outcome: Shame, continued struggle, damaged self-esteem

  
  

Executive Function Coaching Approach:

• Focus: Skills ("Which specific EF skill needs support?")

• Response: Build targeted systems and scaffolding

• Outcome: Skill development, maintained self-esteem, actual progress

This shift aligns with current best practices in neurodiversity-affirming support, which emphasises building on strengths while providing appropriate accommodations (Chapman & Botha, 2023)⁴.

In my work as an Executive Function Coach in Singapore, this fundamental shift is where transformation happens.

Identifying Which Skills Need Support

So how do we identify which specific executive function skills need support beneath a behaviour?

The Process in Executive Function Coaching:

1. Observe the pattern - What's consistently challenging?

2. Remove character judgment - Assume caring, trying, and capability

3. Identify the breakdown point - Where in the Executive Function Chain does it fall apart?

4. Target the specific skill - Which EF skill(s) need support?

5. Build appropriate systems - Create scaffolding for that specific skill.

Example: Homework completed but not turned in -

Either/Or Analysis: "Student doesn't care enough."

EF Coaching Analysis:

• Task initiation: ✓ (homework was started)

• Sustained attention: ✓ (homework was completed)

• Quality control: ✓ (work meets standards)

• Prospective memory: ✗ (didn't remember to put it in the bag)

• Planning: ✗ (no system for next-step completion)

Target: Prospective memory and planning

Solution: Systems that externalise these specific skills (we'll cover this in Part 3)

Why Multiple Truths Can Coexist

The research is detailed in this: Executive Functions are not a unified construct.

Studies using factor analysis consistently show that while Executive Functions are related (they share some standard underlying processes), they're also distinct (Miyake et al., 2000)¹. This is called the "unity and diversity" framework.

What this means in practice:

You can have:

• Strong working memory for topics you're interested in

• Weak working memory for routine information

• Strong emotional regulation in low-stress situations

• Weak emotional regulation when overwhelmed

• Strong planning for long-term projects

• Weak planning for daily tasks

  
  

All of these can be true simultaneously because they involve different contexts, different demands, and different executive function subskills.

This is why a student can:

• Excel at complex problem-solving (strong reasoning, working memory)

• Forgot to bring a pencil to class daily (weak prospective memory, organisation)

• Care deeply about both academics and being prepared (motivation present throughout)

The either/or framework can't accommodate this complexity. Executive function coaching can.

What Changes When We Understand This

When parents, educators, and individuals themselves understand that multiple truths can coexist, everything shifts:

For Parents:

• From: "My child is lazy and doesn't care."

• To: "My child cares AND struggles with task initiation, which specific support would help?"

For Educators:

• From: "This student isn't trying hard enough."

• To: "This student is trying AND has weak working memory, what accommodations would support this?"

For Individuals:

• From: "I'm fundamentally flawed."

• To: "I have specific executive function challenges that need specific support."

This reframe doesn't just change behaviour, it changes self-perception, relationships, and life trajectory.

The Role of Executive Function Coaching

Executive function coaching exists precisely to help people make this reframe and then build the specific supports needed.

Through Executive Function Coaching, we:

1. Identify specific EF skills beneath behaviours that are being judged

2. Remove shame by reframing to "both can be true."

3. Build targeted interventions for the particular skills that need support

4. Create systems that externalise challenging EF demands

5. Rebuild self-esteem through accurate self-understanding

   
   

Research supports the effectiveness of this approach. Strategy-based interventions targeting specific executive function challenges show significant improvements in both functioning and self-perception (Dawson & Guare, 2018)⁵.

Moving Forward: From Understanding to Action

Now that you understand how Executive Function Coaching reframes either/or thinking and identifies specific skills beneath behaviour, you might be wondering:

"What does this actually look like in practice? What specific strategies can I use?"

That's precisely what we'll cover in Part 3 of this series.

In Part 3, you'll discover:

• Specific interventions for prospective memory challenges

• Systems for time blindness and time management

• Strategies for working memory limitations

• How parents can break the cycle of either/or thinking at home

• How educators can teach with this understanding

• Reflection questions to identify which EF skills need support

• 
  

Continue to Part 3: Practical Executive Function Strategies →

Quick Recap

Before moving to Part 3, here's what we've covered:

Part 1: How either/or thinking breeds shame, low self-esteem, and negative self-talk

Part 2 (This post):

• Executive function coaching reframes either/or to "both can be true."

• Executive functions are multiple separate skills, not one unified ability

• You can have strength in some EF skills while struggling with others

• The reframe shifts focus from character to specific skills

• This removes shame and enables targeted intervention

Part 3: Practical strategies you can implement immediately

Reflection Questions

Before continuing to Part 3, consider:

For yourself:

• Which specific executive function skills might you be strong in?

• Which specific executive function skills might need support?

• How does it feel to separate "caring" from "executive function capacity"?

For the neurodivergent people in your life:

• Can you identify which specific EF skills are strong and which are challenging?

• How might reframing from character to skills change your conversations?

• What would shift if you approached struggles as "skill gaps" rather than "not trying"?

About the Author

Shyla Mathews is an Executive Function Coach and Educational Therapist, and the founder of NICE Executive Function Coaching & Educational Therapy. She works with children, adolescents, parents, and adults, including individuals diagnosed with ADHD, Dyslexia, Autism, and other learning challenges, offering structured support that strengthens learning, independence, and daily functioning across home, school, and work.

Through Executive Function Coaching, Shyla supports the skills beneath behaviour, learning, and follow-through, including task initiation, planning, organisation, time management, working memory, sustained attention, emotional regulation, and self-advocacy. Her coaching helps individuals reduce overwhelm, build clarity, and develop practical systems that match real-life demands, so progress becomes achievable and sustainable over time.

As an Educational Therapist, Shyla provides targeted, individualised intervention for learners who experience difficulties with literacy, including reading, writing, comprehension, and language-based learning needs. Her work focuses on strengthening foundational skills while also building confidence, strategy use, and independence through explicit teaching, supportive scaffolding, and clear structure.

Shyla's work is driven by the belief that connection and collaboration are tools that can support everyone. She brings warmth, authenticity, and a deep commitment to every session, believing that when there is compassion and acceptance, people feel safer, more motivated, and more able to make meaningful shifts toward their goals.

Book a consultation | ← Read Part 1 | Read Part 3 →

References

1. Miyake, A., Friedman, N. P., Emerson, M. J., Witzki, A. H., Howerter, A., & Wager, T. D. (2000). The unity and diversity of executive functions and their contributions to complex "frontal lobe" tasks: A latent variable analysis. Cognitive Psychology, 41(1), 49-100. https://doi.org/10.1006/cogp.1999.0734 

2. Diamond, A. (2013). Executive functions. Annual Review of Psychology, 64, 135-168. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-113011-143750 

3. Barkley, R. A., & Fischer, M. (2011). Predicting impairment in major life activities and occupational functioning in hyperactive children as adults: Self-reported executive function (EF) deficits versus EF tests. Developmental Neuropsychology, 36(2), 137-161. https://doi.org/10.1080/87565641.2010.549877 

4. Chapman, R., & Botha, M. (2023). Neurodiversity studies: Mapping the field. In Neurodiversity Studies: A New Critical Paradigm (pp. 1-20). Routledge.

5. Dawson, P., & Guare, R. (2018). Executive Skills in Children and Adolescents: A Practical Guide to Assessment and Intervention (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.